The gang moves to Panama. Cue the monkeys. And cue Courtney talking to the camera and chewing on her lips to make her point.
KCB gets the first one-on-one date. Blakely attacks her physically and Courtney shoots daggers at her with her eyes and then talks about her behind her back.
Ben and KCB get in yet another helicopter – there may be more helicopters than women on this show – where Ben tells us “this date is important because I need to see if the feelings are still there.” The feelings may be under the layers of clothes you and Courtney left on the beach, Ben, did you try looking there? They end up on a private island. Ben’s note had instructed KCB to pack three things so she brings 1) a stuffed monkey 2) a corkscrew (with a knife!) and 3) a bag of candy. It’s like she’s a teenager who’s just broken out of reform school. They chop open coconuts, make a fire, and catch a fish for their dinner. Apparently all this was to figure out if they’d have each other’s backs as a couple.
At dinner Ben tells us he’s SO grateful that KCB just goes with flow, which basically means “she agrees with everything I say.”
At the hotel, the date card arrives and all the girls except Rachel and Blakely are on a group date. Blakely is thrilled about the two-on-one and Rachel looks like she just threw up in her mouth.
Back at dinner, KCB bemoans having to open up to Ben. She hems and haws and evades and avoids and finally spills that she…had an eating disorder. Seriously, by the time she was ready to tell her story I figured she had killed someone. Ben declares the eating disorder a “monumental moment” and gives her the rose. They really are a cute couple, though I fear that being The Bachelor is turning Ben into the kind of guy who might think he’s too cool for a girl like KCB. You’re not, Ben.
The previews are full of Courtney shaking her boobs beneath a black bar and Chris coming in for KCS and making her cry. I’m not sure which story line looks more disturbing.
It’s time for the group date and they head to the Rain Forest. (If it weren’t a school night I’d be playing a drinking game where I do a shot every time Courtney mentions that she and Ben went skinny dipping. Although I’d be drunk by now and we’re only 25 minutes in.) Ben piles all the ladies in a boat and takes them to a village where they are dragged into huts and changed into local garb by women they can’t understand. Courtney takes off her bikini top and wears only the beads (which are basically an oversized necklace so….yeah) then writes B + C on Ben’s back with the body paint. (I’m trying to catch a glimpse of the local women to see if they’re as bare as Courtney. Somehow I doubt it.)
Blakely is thrilled that the two-on-one date involves dancing but Rachel is not thrilled that one of them is going home.
Ben pulls Courtney aside. She talks baby talk, chews on her lips, and gives Ben her room number. Why don’t any of those women go interrupt Ben and Courtney? Poor Jamie pulls Ben aside for a chat and she goes on and on and on nervously while Courtney strips down to a white bikini and jumps in the closest pool to swim around then lies on a chair to stroke her stomach. Ben gives himself whiplash trying to stay focused on Jamie’s nervous chatter and not. look. at. Courtney.
Ben pulls Emily aside and luckily she says all the right things. She even apologizes to Courtney, who acknowledges the apology then goes on to say “I don’t respect you and we’ll never be friends.” Ben shows up, grabs the rose and Lindzi, and gets the heck out when he senses the tension in the room. Courtney chews on her lips like they’re dessert. She heads back to her room and puts on makeup because she had given Ben her room number so she assumes he’ll be up any minute and she sits around to wait for him.
He never shows up. Bahahahahahaha! Ben, I just might like you again.
It’s time for the two-on-one date and I swear somewhere there is a picture of Blakely in a closet getting younger and younger because she looks older every week. She looks about 40 tonight. Ben takes them for salsa lessons. Blakely shimmies and wraps her leg around Ben all while chewing gum like a trashy high school girl. A trashy high school girl who looks 45. Rachel manages to put her sourpuss face away and have fun dancing.
At dinner the women pull out the claws right away. Blakely has decided to go the Courtney route and wears just a shirt with a belt, then cries during her alone time with Ben. She gives him a scrapbook she has made for him. It’s pictures and words cut out of magazines “of their time together” and she points to a page and tells him “This is when I started to picture us living together in San Francisco.” If I were Ben I’d wonder if she has experience sending anonymous letters to the police admitting to a crime. Apparently he was as creeped out as I was; he gives Rachel the rose and Blakely storms out. It’s interesting, while he’s saying goodbye she starts to look younger. He walks her down the street while she cries and a cat on the street meows in commiseration.
Chris finally shows up to reveal what’s up with KCS. He tells KCS that he knows she is in love with someone else – Michael – and not Ben. Michael claims that they were living together up until the day she left. She denies it, but as she talks to Chris she realizes that she doesn’t want to be in love with Michael but she is. Chris suggests they go talk to Ben. Ben is not thrilled that she didn’t tell him sooner. KCS tries to explain but he tells her “I think that you should go home.” Yikes. He’s like the Hatchet Bachelor this week.
Ben stares dramatically at the water while KCS is packed into the car and sent on her way. Chris tells the other women that KCS has left because she was in love with another man when she came on the show. Chris warns the women that if they are not open to finding love they should just step away but Go Get Ready For The Cocktail Party while KCS is still in the car crying about how it isn’t fair that she doesn’t get to stick around and see if she can trade in the boyfriend who won’t marry her for a consolation prize Bachelor.
Once again I must say that this show is an hour too long. It’s finally time for the cocktail party. They’re on a very windy roof top and Jamie goes on and on and on to the camera about how shy she is and how she plans to “shock” Ben. She straddles him and calls it “fancy” and he has to tell her to stop giggling while she is trying to kiss him. Then she starts directing him on how to kiss and now I just want her to go home because she won’t shut up. She keeps talking through the kiss! Ben puts a stop to the oral instruction manual. Thankfully. That was more painful than Blakely’s fake crying in the luggage room. I have never been more grateful for a commercial break.
KCB, Lindzi, and Rachel all have roses. Ben gives roses to Nicki, Courtney, Emily and Jamie (as she herself predicted after the tragic kissing session) is sent home.
Ben tells the women that his wife is in the room and they are headed to Belize. The previews suggest that Courtney gets her comeuppance soon (oh how you tease, ABC).
